Author Archives: Arthur J. Heller
A Betrayal of Potatoes
I would like to enjoy an occasional baked potato. Not that I do enjoy them, I merely aspire to. Baked potatoes and I have a complicated relationship, the sort you’d file under “irreconcilable differences” in a divorce court. Everything about … Continue reading
Guns, Knives, Rhinoceros Intimacy, and Fairy Cake
“I want to be intimately involved with a black rhinoceros.” Remember that sentence. No, really… commit that sentence to memory. We’ll get back to it in a little bit. Remember back in the early aughts, when the National Rifle Association — … Continue reading
Heartbreak is a Lasagna
I don’t like Pyrex. I’m not an real big fan of formal “cookware” in general, actually. I prefer those cheap, aluminum foil-based roasting pans you can get at the supermarket for like three bucks. They’re inexpensive, bend rather than break, you … Continue reading
Mysterious Guy Friend
I just learned that Traci Nobles, an otherwise entirely unremarkable cheerleading coach from Georgia, has published an entire book based upon the fact that she received text messages from Anthony Weiner. I’m not kidding about that, either… an entire book … Continue reading
Cracking the 2012 Pot
Harold Camping is a bit of a crackpot. For those blissfully unaware (or outside of the United States, where people seem largely immune to this sort of ridiculosity), Harold Camping is an undead, five hundred-year-old Christian fundamentalist preacher who predicted … Continue reading
The Starbucks Boycott
Recently, people have been asking me why, specifically, I’ve been boycotting Starbucks for the past two years. I have insofar managed to not tell the story, on the grounds that it gets rather long and winding, is comprised of a … Continue reading
Slugfest
I walked outside earlier and I saw a slug on the sidewalk. He had been there since the night before because I’d seen him then too… except that, rather than being the young, vibrant and healthy slug he had been … Continue reading
Bringin’ the Heat
Spring has been in the air now for close to a month (I know this primarily because I’m violently allergic to it) and summer looms menacingly around the corner. Old Mister Sun is starting to wake up, and he’s staring … Continue reading
Just West of Hell 